the gym: the post-modern confessional

In the golden era of Christianity of the dark ages, people went to confessional to absolve themselves of their transgressions, and to wash away the proverbial blood on their hands.


Wracked with guilt or compelled by threat of eternal damnation in hell, they would enter the booth and whisper their transgressions to the priest through the ornate lattice.   


Depending on the gravity of your sin, the priest would ask you to recite x number of Hail Marys, or y number of Our Fathers before granting absolution.

Source: Wiki commons

Four hundred years post-renaissance, knowledge and rationalism has eroded away the foundations of religion such that the majority are left untethered to any concept of sin, or a higher being. 

In today's existential society the fundamental emotion of guilt is just as rife - the only difference is what we feel guilty about.

Given this, who or what do we turn to when we are feeling wracked with guilt? 

THE GYM.

YOU: forgive me, for I have sinned. I ended up smoking half a pack of cigarettes last night.

PRIEST/TRAINER: Do you have any idea how bad that is for your lungs/soul? I thought we went over this at Church/Nutrition class - no cigarettes. Where was your self-restraint?

YOU: I had half a bottle of gin, there was no restraint left.

PRIEST/TRAINER: you know that drinking alcohol is a cardinal sin/empty calories. 

YOU: yes. Oh and I also scoffed down entire bag of corn chips.

PRIEST/TRAINER: trans-fats and carbs? I am truly disappointed. To be absolved of your sins you must say 10 Hail Marys and 20 Our Lords/do 2kms on the rowing machine, followed by 30 minutes of cardio and a 1 hour yoga.

YOU: *sob*.

"REPENT YE AND EXERCISE, THAT YOUR BMI MAY BE BLOTTED OUT. MARI WINSOR 3:19"

Jesus: theme and variations

Ask 10 people how they see Jesus, and you will get 12 responses.


This is your post-modern guide to the types of Jesuses and their attributes.


CATHOLIC JESUS: THE GUILT-TRIPPER
Guilt is simultaneously the honey and the vinegar of Catholicism.  


To quote Dylan Moran, "All good religions are based on guilt". 
Guilt-tripping Jesus and sideshow Mary are the cornerstone of the great religion that is Catholicism - the pinnacle of Christian denominations.

Feel the guilt, enjoy the shame.

NEW-AGE JESUS: THE APPROVAL JUNKIE
New-age liberal denominations have popped up everywhere, in knee-jerk response to the rapidly aging congregations and youth apathy to anything religious.


New-age Jesus is characterised by his "anything for approval and popularity" approach, even if it means compromising on everything which makes the denomination vaguely religious.

Whenever this happens, this Jesus bitches about them on twitter.

Anything goes, so long as you still like me.

ULTRA-ORTHODOX JESUS: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVIST

This brand of Christianity considers itself the vanguard of Christiandom, taking pride in its principles, rules and traditions.

Since one of the principles is not to judge others, you won't find orthodox followers bible-bashing on the streets. Instead, this Jesus inspires its ultra-orthodox followers by example - through passive-aggressive behavior.

Jesus preaching his technique to his disciples. 

If you're complaining, you're not suffering enough.

POST-MODERN JESUS: THE FUNNY IRONIC ONE

My personal favourite, instead of pointing at things and looking angsty and wistful, this Jesus likes the funny side of things and enjoys the irony of the son of God being a dick.

I can be a dick, but I'm still getting into heaven before you. 

HA.