UPDATED: coffees and what they say about you

It's a post-modern, robot-eat-robot society - you're gonna be judged, so you might as well judge others.

Stereotypes are there for a reason - here's a straight forward cheatsheet for judging people based on what they order from the barista:

BLACK COFFEE DRINKERS

Probably minimalist, austere and direct people who don't tolerate frothy, sugary, colourful beverages (or people).

FLAT WHITES / LATTES

A bit more mellow, less austere people who are a bit warmer and more approachable.  They may not have the strange allure of the edgy angsty types, but they are probably nicer people to deal with.

FROTHY CAPPUCCINOS, OR COFFEES WITH HAZELNUT/CARAMEL/VANILLA SHOTS

Like the coffee, the person is probably bubbly, and diabetes-inducingly sweet.  They drink coffee solely for the social, clucky aspect of catching up with their Bridget-Jones friends. They are approximately two decades away from the stiff gins and Dido CDs.

VENTI TRIM SOY GREEN TEA CAPPUCCINO WITH HALF STRENGTH HAZELNUT SHOT WITHOUT CINNAMON AND WITH CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES INSTEAD IN A SPECIAL TAKEAWAY CUP

Tragically misguided people who believe the more customised their beverage is, the more cultured/interesting they are. Fussy for the hell of it, even though they can't even tell the difference when it comes to the coffee. The non-alcoholic $11 liquid they are holding in their hand is a statement, in a beverage form.

ORGANIC SOY CHAI LATTE

Secretly wishes they drank actual coffee, and uses a moral high-ground or lactose intolerance as an excuse.

HOT CHOCOLATE/MOCHACCINO WITH 3 SUGARS, EXTRA CREAM WITH MARSHMALLOWS. OH - WITH TRIM MILK PLEASE. (Thanks Matt)

Bitch please! - the only thing getting thinner is your wallet. We get that you're trying to lose weight, but unless you're running a marathon on your next break I'd start by not drinking a meals-worth of calories in a beverage. 

Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night fattie.